The Avoid Direct Commands Principle of Polite Speaking

POLITE PRINCIPLE NUMBER 6 ­

In general, commands and orders should be avoided if you want to sound polite.

Direct commands are sometimes necessary (soldiers, parents, bosses) but if you don’t know someone very well and you don’t have a close relationship with them, it’s probably best not to use orders and commands, especially if you want to to do something for you.

Direct commands impose, do not give options and don’t make the other person feel good!

Let’s imagine you have a heavy suitcase and you want to put it on the luggage rack on a plane or a train. It’s too heavy to lift by yourself.

You could order somebody: Help me with this suitcase!

This might work with a friend, especially if you said it with a smile on your face, but it’s unlikely to work with a stranger.

Generally, we need to ask people for help in a polite way. Remember that adding ‘please’ always helps.

Here are some ways we can do that:
1. Certain Modal verbs
Could / Would you help me with my suitcase please?

Could is more polite and formal than Can.

Would you be able to help me?
I wonder if you could help me with my suitcase?
Do you think you could (possibly) help me with my suitcase?

2. Question Tags
It’s very common to use negative statements with positive tags.
You wouldn’t help me with my suitcase, would you?

3. Indirect questions
I don’t suppose you could help me, could you?

(This sounds extremely polite):
Is there any chance you could help me?

4. Hint that you need help
Sometimes you can be really polite and people don’t understand that you are asking for help. They don’t realise you are giving them an ‘indirect’ command.

If all else fails, give them a hint (something that you say or do that shows, but not directly, what you want).
My goodness. This suitcase is so heavy. I’m going to break my back lifting it.

This is an obvious hint so you might decide to say something more subtle!

SUMMARY

√ Avoid direct commands unless you really have to use them.
√ Use modal verbs (can, could, would).
√ Use indirect questions.
√ Use hints.

­The Disagree Reluctantly Principle of Polite Speaking

POLITENESS PRINCIPLE NUMBER 5

reluctant (adj): not willing to do something and therefore slow to do it

If somebody makes a suggestion that I disagree with, I can use less direct language.

I don’t really feel like trying it. I’m not so keen on spicy food.

When somebody says something that you disagree with, it’s polite to show that you are not happy or comfortable with disagreeing with them.

There are several ways to do this:
1. Show you don’t want to disagree
I don’t want to disagree but I think we should…

This softens the disagreement and we often provide a reason, explanation or justification to
support our disagreement.

2. Show reluctance
I don’t want to complain but I was told that this was one of the best restaurants in town.
I don’t want to be difficult but I really think the train is a better option.
I hope you don’t mind my saying so, but I’ve been told the train is a better option.
I’m sorry, but I don’t really want this.
I’m afraid that my stomach is a bit sensitive so Vietnamese food might be too spicy.
I’d like to agree with you but many people think the train is cheaper and quicker.
I’m not sure that’s the best idea.
Perhaps, it would be better to take the train as it’s cheaper.
It’s your choice but Vietnamese food might be too spicy for some people.
I may be wrong but I think the train is a bit faster than the bus.


Notice how we use phrases that:
● Don’t impose
● Give options

Showing your disagreement in a reluctant and indirect way can make the conversation quite long but it will sound more polite because your conversation partner has the freedom to agree or disagree with you.

SUMMARY

√ Be sensitive when disagreeing and correcting people.
√ Try to soften your disagreement.
√ Give the other person the option to disagree with you.

The Sensitive Correction Principle of Polite Speaking

POLITENESS PRINCIPLE NUMBER 4

When we make a mistake and we are corrected, we can feel pretty stupid Nobody actually likes being corrected.

It’s essential to correct people in a sensitive way so they don’t lose face.

Let’s say I said something wrong like:
The capital of the United States of America is New York.

As this is not true, you could correct me in different ways:
You are so stupid! How many times do I have to tell you? The capital is Washington, not New York.

Now, how would I feel if you corrected me that way?
That’s right. I’d feel pretty stupid and pretty small. And I’d probably hate you in that moment for and I’d be really angry with you.

If I have a positive public image (I’m an intelligent and knowledgeable person) and you correct me really directly, I’ll lose face.

Now, if you corrected me in a more polite and sensitive way I wouldn’t lose face.

New York? I think the capital is actually Washington.

Here are some ways we can correct in a sensitive way:
● Apologising then correcting
Actually, she works in a school not a bank.
I’m sorry. She works in a school not a bank

● Questioning what the other person said
In a bank? Did you say she works in a bank?
You repeat what the other person has said then question what they have said.

Remember one of the golden rules of politeness is to give options. By querying what the other person has just said, I’m giving them the option to correct their error.

The question may indicate to the other person that a mistake has been made. They can correct themselves without losing face.

● Present another option
If we present another option (the correct one perhaps), we give the other person the option of agreeing with you and correcting them mistakes or they could confirm their original statement. Then you can decide how important it is to correct the error.

In a bank? I thought she worked in a hospital.
New York? I thought it was Washington.

You indicate that an error has been made. You don’t force the other person to change their mind. Give the other person the option to agree or disagree with your statement

SUMMARY
Correct sensitively by
√ apologising before correcting
√ politely questioning what has been said
√ presenting another option.

The Respect Intelligence Principle of Polite Speaking

POLITENESS PRINCIPLE NUMBER 3

You need to credit the other person with some knowledge and intelligence and respect them as a mature, professional and successful person.

When we provide information, make it seem as if the other person already knows it. You could do this by saying:
Of course, she works in a bank, you know.

This sounds as if you are assuming the other person doesn’t know and can make you sound superior.

Better options:
Of course, as you know, she works in a bank.
Of course, as you’re aware, she works in a bank.
Of course, as you well know, she works in a bank.
As I’m sure you know,...
Of course, as I’m sure you know...

By using these phrases, you are crediting the other person with intelligence and knowledge.

It’s a good idea to do this because it makes the other person feel good (Golden Rule Number 3). You can even do it when you believe they don’t know or don’t have qualities such as intelligence or knowledge.

Remember, polite language is also used in marketing as a tool for persuading and influencing people ­sometimes in a dishonest way.

SUMMARY

√ Make the other person feel good by respecting their intelligence and knowledge

The Indirect Questions Principle of Polite Speaking

POLITENESS PRINCIPLE NUMBER 2

There are two parts to this principle:
1. Use indirect questions to sound more polite
2. Use question tags to sound more polite.

Question Tags (also called Tag questions)

These are very common in native speaker varieties of English.

You’re hungry, aren’t you?
You’re Chinese, aren’t you?
You’ve been to New York, haven’t you?
You didn’t like that, did you?

We put tags (aren’t you? haven’t you?) at the end of statements to make them more like questions. In many languages, you only need to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. at the end.

In English, we can also use the tag ‘right’.
She works in a bank, right?

Using ‘right’ won’t make you sound particularly polite, though.


Two Main Features of Question Tags
● Positive statement normally has negative tags and negative statement with positive tags
You’re married, aren’t you? You’re not married, are you?
● The intonation on the tag can rise or fall.

Rising intonation suggests that you are asking for confirmation, you don’t sound as sure or certain.
This may make you sound more polite as it gives the other person the chance to correct you or provide you with the correct information.

Falling intonation invites agreement and suggests the other person is going to answer yes.This suggests certainty. Not really a question but more a way to get an agreement.
This is fine if your intention is to start a conversation: It’s a lovely day, isn’t it?

Indirect questions will also make you sound more polite
If you ask a direct question, such as: Where does she work?, you can sound quite pushy and imposing. You are not giving your conversation partner much of an opportunity to say: I’m sorry, I can’t answer you. I’m busy.

It puts the other person under pressure because they feel like they have to give you a direct answer and respond immediately.

If you don’t know the other person well and want to sound more polite, give them options and the freedom to say no and not answer your question, it’s a good idea to use indirect questions:
I was wondering if you knew where she worked?

Remember that indirect questions can sound too polite. If you know somebody well, they may prefer direct questions. They can sound formal and reserved rather than friendly.

Other indirect questions include:
Do you mind if...?
Would you mind if...?
Would you mind telling me...?

Indirect Questions can be too indirect!
If it’s not too much to ask, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind telling me where she works? I’d be extremely grateful.

This is so polite that it will sound irritating and annoying too many people.

SUMMARY

√ Use question tags to sound more polite.
√ Question tags are normally formed with a combination of positive statement and negative tags or negative statements and positive tags.
√ A rising intonation suggests you want confirmation (less certain) whereas a falling intonation often invites agreement and are used to start conversations.
√ Indirect questions will help you sound more polite because they don’t require an immediate and direct response.
√ However, indirect questions can irritate people if they are used too often or are too elaborate.

The Uncertainty Principle of Polite Speaking

POLITENESS PRINCIPLE 1 ­ The Uncertainty Principle

This principle states that when giving your opinion, show some uncertainty.

If you seem certain and 100% sure when you speak, you may sound as though you are imposing your opinions, ideas, knowledge and intelligence on other people.

Remember Golden Rule Number 1: Don’t Impose!
For example, if you say: This is the best restaurant in town, you are not giving the other person much of an opportunity to disagree with you, to share their opinion.

It sounds very dogmatic, which means that you are saying that your opinion is the only
correct one and there are no other possible options.

So, if you want to sound more polite, sometimes it’s a good idea to sound a little bit uncertain, unsure, not 100% convinced by your own opinion or your own view.

Even if you are 100% convinced of your own view, it’s often a good idea to pretend to show some uncertainty.

Let’s say that we are talking about somebody we don’t know particularly well.

Maybe I could say: She works in a bank.

Now, if I’m 100% sure, that’s fine. But, if I’m not 100% sure, I’ll sound very confident in my own knowledge. So, it might be a good idea to show some uncertainty.

I think she works in a bank.

Example phrases we can use:

I think...
I believe...
I guess...
I suppose...
I expect...

All the verbs make you sound a little less certain and probably more polite. Can you think of any other ‘uncertainty’ verbs?

Here are some tips for using sounding less certain
● Remember to stress and extend the uncertainty verb.
● It’s also common to pause a little bit after the verb.

Uncertainty phrases can come at the beginning or end of the sentence.
Sometimes we say something and we sound very confident. Then, maybe we realise we want to sound more polite, so we add the phrases at the end.

That means the other person has the opportunity to disagree with us or express a slightly different view. This opens up the conversation, gives options to the other person and makes us sound less imposing.

SUMMARY

√ Use uncertainty verbs / phrases at the beginning or end of your statements so you don’t impose on the other person.

The Difference Between First and At First

Transituins First vs. At First

Here is a confusing and incorrect sentence:

At first, I want to eat breakfast before I go to work.

English language learners sometimes confuse “at first” and “first.” They are both transitions that often begin a sentence. However, the similarity ends there! The little preposition “at” makes a big difference.

“At first” suggests a change is coming.
For example, “At first, I did not like green tea ice cream, but now I love it.”

“First” shows a sequence and suggests that there will be a “second,” “third,” and so on.
For example, “First, I always wash my hands before I cook dinner.”

Practice

1. Think of a situation where your opinion has changed about something - perhaps a food, a person, or a place. Describe how you felt at first and how your opinion changed.

2. Describe how to do something that you enjoy doing - for example, how to cook your favorite meal, how to train for a sport that you do, or how to learn a language, or something else. Describe steps in order, using first, second, third, etc

How Clarifying Your Ideas and Explaining Your Thoughts

Using one of these phrases or expressions signals to your listener that you need a little more time to express your idea. It is a polite way to show the other person that you need to keep talking, and a subtle way to ask them to be patient while you find the right words to express yourself.

How to Clarify Your Idea

As soon as you have realised that you made a mistake when speaking or would like to try explaining yourself again, you should identify or admit that you need to clarify your idea. These phrases tell your listener that you recognise your mistake and would like them to give you a chance to try again.

• Sorry, I lost my train of thought.
• Let me start that again.
• Let me start over.
• Let’s try that one more time.
• Let me rephrase that.
• That came out wrong.
• That’s not what I meant to say.
• Give me a second. Let me restate that.
• Let me gather my thoughts.
• Let me try that again.
• Let me explain that again.

Clarifying What You Mean

Once you have told your listener that you would like to try another way of expressing yourself, you can now clarify what you mean by restating your original thoughts in different words. Also, when you would like to repeat your same idea with slightly different words in order to emphasise your point, or to make sure that your audience clearly understood your idea.

• What I mean is ...
• What I meant was ...
• Let me put that another way ...
• What I’m trying to say is ...
• Let me explain myself again ...
• In other words ...
• This means that ...
• In this sense that ...
• This does not mean that ...
• As matter of fact ...
• In fact ...
• In view of the fact that ...
• Considering the fact that ...
• Considering, ...
• Given that ...
• Given, ...
• It is obvious that ...
• It is self evident that ...
• It is safe to say that ...
• It can be said for certain that ...
• It is well established fact that ...
• Obviously / Actually /Indisputably / Undeniably / Admittedly /Doubtlessly / Definitely
• Accurately / The more accurate is that ...
• Generally / In a general manner / On the whole

Clarifying a Misunderstanding for Your Listener

These expressions are especially useful where it is important to be professional and polite when repeating yourself. They indicate that you understand that you may not have been perfectly clear and are willing to try explaining yourself again.

• That’s not exactly what I meant.
• Actually, what I meant was ..., not ...
• I actually suggested that we ..., not ...
• I meant to say that...
• My idea was actually that we should...
• What I meant by ... was ...
• I was actually trying to suggest that ...
• Let’s see if I can explain myself better.
• Let me try to explain that another way.

Challenging Sounds: R vs. L

For some English learners, it is difficult to tell the difference between the “R” sound and the “L” sound in English. Unfortunately for those people, the sounds are important to differentiate. In some cases, mispronouncing the sounds can result in misunderstanding!

In many examples, R or L change the meaning of a word. For example: collect/correct. I’m sure you can understand when you see the whole phrase. For example, “I co**ect stamps.” or “Your answer is co**ect.” You can guess, and you’ll probably be right. The problem is, most people prefer to communicate clearly and concisely. If someone is busy, they may not feel they have the time or energy to figure out if you’re saying R or L. It can slow down communication. And in the world of business, time is money and many people are impatient.

The R and L sounds may be different in your first language than in English.

When you think of an English “R,” think of a pirate saying “Arrrrr!” Your mouth will form an “O” shape, your lips should stick out, and your tongue should be in the middle of your mouth, not touching any part of your mouth. It is softer than a Spanish “R,” which in English sounds more like a “D” sound.

When you think of an English “L,” think of a person singing “La, la la!” Your mouth will open, your lips do not stick out, and most importantly, your tongue should touch behind your top front teeth/gum area to produce the sound correctly. The “L” sound in English is sharper than the “L/ R” sound in Japanese or Chinese and results from placing your tongue behind your front teeth.

Try these minimal pairs for practice:

• Correct / Collect
• Red / Led
• Rice / Lice
• Rack / Lack
• Read / Lead
• Rate / Late

Keep going, I know you can do it with practice!

Volume and Voice Control

Here is a basic tip to improve your communication in English: Speak louder! A loud voice not only helps people to hear the words you’re saying, it also sends a message of confidence.

Sometimes when you learn a new language, you worry about making mistakes, so your voice is not confident. Don’t worry so much; it’s expected to make mistakes! Speak up! Your conversation partners will be able to hear you better, which is a requirement for understanding.

How can you speak louder without yelling or screaming? Let me tell you some tips I learned in an acting class in college that can help you with everyday communication - and will help if you are ever find yourself on a stage!

1. Use your diaphragm, the muscle below your ribcage, to breathe in deeply and force more air out from your lungs when you speak. More air = louder.
2. Look to the farthest point in the room, and imagine you are speaking to someone there. Make
   your voice travel to the farthest place in the room, or even better, make your voice travel to the
   room next door.
3. Open your mouth wider and keep your head up. Your mouth is like a megaphone, the thing police and cheerleaders like to use to make sure everyone hears them, so it needs to open wide so sound can be released.
4. Use your tongue, lips and teeth to enunciate, or clearly pronounce, each sound you are saying.
5. Make stressed syllables and stressed words even louder than the others.

Of course, you have to find a good volume – not too loud, not too quiet. Use your social intelligence to check other peoples’ reactions when you talk.

Try these speaking tips and your success with communication in English should increase. And as an added benefit, you will probably seem more confident and approachable. When you speak on the telephone or on a web-conference like Skype your volume is especially important

Extra Tip: It is a great idea to try recording yourself and listening to your actual voice and volume as others hear you. Use your computer or cell phone - it’s easy!